There is a particular kind of silence that only exists near cold water. Not the absence of sound exactly, but something heavier than that. A silence with weight to it, with presence. I felt it standing at the edge of a frozen lake in Montenegro, snow coming down slow and purposeless around me, the mountains ahead half-swallowed by cloud, the water so still it looked like it had given up on being water and decided to become something more permanent.
I stood there for a long time. Longer than made practical sense.
There was nothing to do there. No insight to extract, no photo that would actually capture it, no thought worth interrupting it with. Just the snow landing on the surface of the lake and disappearing. Landing and disappearing. I watched that for a while and felt something in me go quiet in a way that my ordinary life rarely allows.
It was the kind of place that asks something of you without speaking.
I’d been reading, around that time, a 12th century Persian poem called The Conference of the Birds, by Farid ud-Din Attar. A long, strange, devastating poem about a group of birds who set out on a journey to find their king, a mythical bird called the Simorgh, who lives beyond seven valleys, each one more annihilating than the last. Valley of the Quest. Valley of Love. Valley of Knowledge. Valley of Detachment. Valley of Unity. Valley of Bewilderment. Valley of Poverty and Nothingness. Most of the birds don’t make it. They find reasons to turn back in every valley. The heat is too much. They are too attached to something they left behind. They cannot bear what the next valley requires them to give up.
Only thirty birds reach the end.
And what they find there, I won’t say. But it undid me quietly, the way only true things do.
Standing at Durmitor, in that snow, I thought about those birds without meaning to. Because that landscape felt exactly like one of those valleys. Not the terrifying kind. The bewildering kind. The one where the path disappears not because something went wrong but because this particular stretch of the journey isn’t meant to be walked with a map. You’re meant to walk it uncertain, cold, watching snow fall into still water, not knowing what it means and slowly making peace with not knowing.
I think most of us are somewhere in those valleys right now. Not at the beginning where the excitement of setting out still carries you. Not at the end. Somewhere in the difficult middle, where you’ve given up enough that going back feels dishonest, but you haven’t arrived at anything yet that justifies what you’ve given up. That is an uncomfortable place to live. And yet almost everyone I know is living in it in some form.
The birds in Attar’s poem keep asking: how much further? And the answer, always, is that the question itself is the problem. The ones who make it are not the ones who suffer less. They’re the ones who eventually stop measuring the distance.
I’m not sure I know how to stop measuring the distance. I measure constantly. Progress, meaning, arrival, whether any of it is going somewhere. I stand at the edge of something vast and quiet and beautiful and part of me is still somewhere else, still calculating.
But for a few minutes that morning in Montenegro, in the snow, I wasn’t.
The cloud was sitting so low on the mountain that the treeline just dissolved into grey halfway up, and beyond that was nothing you could name. Just weather and altitude and the suggestion of something enormous behind it all. There was a small cabin across the lake, barely visible, a thin dark shape against all that white. Someone built that there. Someone chose to be that close to that much silence and that much wild.
I thought about what it takes to choose that. To build your life that close to the unresolvable.
Maybe that’s what the poem is really about. Not the destination. Not the Simorgh, not the revelation at the end. But the slow, difficult, deeply personal process of becoming someone who can tolerate the valley. Who can stand in the bewildering one, in the cold, watching something beautiful that refuses to explain itself, and not immediately need it to mean something that fits neatly inside language.
I am not that person yet. I want to be. I catch glimpses of it, usually in places like that one, where the world is large enough that my need to understand everything becomes briefly embarrassing and then briefly releases.
The snow kept falling. The lake kept receiving it without complaint.
I took a photograph that couldn’t hold any of it, and then I just stood there a while longer, umbrella in hand, letting the cold do what cold does. Strip everything back to what’s actually there.
I don’t know what I was looking for at that lake. I don’t know if I found it.
But I think the not-knowing, held without panic, might be the closest thing to an answer that this kind of question allows.
By the way, did you know that I’m actively writing in malayalam also these days. Find them here. I’ve written a small book as well if you’re into that. If you like listening to stuff, do scroll through the selection of podcasts. If you’ve time, have a look at the visuals I’ve made. Grateful for your moment here. Keep coming back here : )
